In less than twenty-four hours, I will be saying, “Good-Bye,” to one of my best friends, my confident, and the love of my life after a summer of ups, downs, memories, laughter, and tears. Philip heads back to Waynesburg University to finish up his undergraduate studies in music less than a week before I return to Roberts for my third year AND as a senior. Missing him is a huge part of the reason I dread this upcoming parting, but I also have various reasons that I am not looking forward to this time.
One big reason that I am extremely nervous is that the past two years, after I have returned to college, the relationship I was in decided to take a sudden nose dive, and I was left heartbroken. I never saw it coming, but usually by the end of September I was changing my Facebook relationship status to “single” again. With him being six hours away from me and both of us without means to always go and see each other, it’s going to be extremely hard. We’re both used to only being only about a half an hour away whether he’s in Prattsburg or Addison.
The other reason I am dreading him leaving involves two parts. Because we have both been in relationships where trust was an issue, we both don’t trust as easily as we should. You could be the most trustworthy person on the planet, but we would probably have some sort of doubt about you. We spent two hours in a conversation discussing whether our relationship could stand the test if we could not get over it. Why did this conversation even begin? Well, last month, while we were on vacation, Philip received a message on Facebook claiming I was calling this person “babe” and was flirting with them. It hit him. Again, we have both been cheated on, so it hurt him and I. Him because those feelings were brought up again. Me, because the fact someone would allege something so incredulous as cheating on my boyfriend after I have gone through the pain of being cheated on makes me extraordinarily angry. Whoever you are, if you’re reading this, please seriously reconsider things when you lash out in anger by “getting back” at someone because it can damage something so earthly as a relationship. It can destroy the emotional stability of a person.
Since the message, I have been feeling intense feelings of anger and sadness at the same time. It typically results in a massive panic attack where I break down and cry regardless of where I am. I cannot control them. I recently went to the doctor who asked if I had any sort of stressor in my life that would have triggered it. I think I have now found it, even though at the time I said, “No,” because I couldn’t think of anything. The next month until his dad’s wedding and then the following months until Thanksgiving are going to be incredibly hard. Please pray that our relationship can stand the test, because I finally found the one I want to be with forever and to lose him would about crush me.